Teletherapy only (phone or video). Oregon only. Limited space available.
Not a couple? For individual therapy, please visit
Lifekey Counseling
You can only be as united as you can be separate. The two grow together, first more I, then more We, then more I, then more We, etc. If either gets ahead, the other is damaged. In the same sense, if you're too tender you get destroyed, and if you're too tough you get distance. But if you can develop both your tenderness and your toughness, you can grow up to be more and more of who you are.
~Carl Whitaker
Welcome to Oregon Couples, mindful-somatic therapy for couples navigating trauma and/or attachment differences.
When Trauma Finds Relationship
Ambivalence in a relationship is normal, and integration of two ever-changing people remains a lifelong process. We find familiar patterns over time, and we settle into roles that once served a purpose but may no longer benefit either partner. Counseling provides a safe, neutral space to identify stuck places, to step inward and notice internal conflicts, to come together, and to create expansion and choice where once the only experience was constriction and resentment.
Trauma sometimes disturbs one's ability to connect and remain connected at an intimate level. Seemingly harmless words or actions can trigger a change in states and instant conflict. In counseling, safety comes first. We name these shifts as they occur and assess the needs of different states as they arise in each individual. There's an ongoing process of differentiation, discarding, recognizing what is, grieving what was, and integrating all of this into the present moment. What does this part need? What can this part give?
If you feel yourself on the fence about the relationship, this is an opportunity to clarify your own needs. If you want out, this may be a chance to honor yourself while at the same time giving yourself and your partner the gift of understanding the big picture and perhaps the ability to avoid getting stuck and repeating the same relationship again in the future. If you are here to repair the relationship, this is a chance to get to know yourself and your partner better -- to honor the strengths and pains of both partners. It is also an opportunity to learn ways to help one-another regulate and feel connected -- a team facing this world together.
If we can physically experience, in session, a felt sense of love and safety, the entire relationship changes. Defenses collapse and allow an upward spiral in connection strategies. We are associating these safer, softer sensations with one another over time.
Couples, Partners, Pairs, Dyads...
Couples counseling (sometimes referred to as marriage counseling) in this case refers to all sorts of couples, including platonic, familial, or romantic couples.
In attending as a couple, you are finding a safe, mediated space to notice, name, and process relational patterns as they play out in the present moment.
What we bring, and the natural increase of conflict over time...
We each bring our own needs, drives, motives, expectations, perceptions, judgments, history, and internal conflicts. Many bring complex trauma - an often confusing entanglement of pathways developed to protect us through the years. We might carry hope in one part while another part carries expectations of negative outcome, remains on guard, and sometimes provokes or creates that negative outcome. Patterns that lie dormant in the honeymoon phase may become evident as security and dependence start to set in.
We bring a unique tolerance for change or familiarity. To one party, the relationship might feel comfortable while at the same time the other partner might feel smothered or stagnant.
Sometimes couples develop a subconcious or unspoken agreement to adhere to roles, losing flexibility in those roles as they become more developed and ingrained over the years. Not only do we seek opposites, we tend to polarize one another over time, increasing opposition and conflict.
Common Issues
Common issues for many couples include communication and negotiation, personal and relational boundaries, differentiation and individuation, unmet needs, inlaws and family integration. Many couples seek therapy after an affair, at the point of breakup, when feeling neglected or smothered by a partner, when continuously triggered by a partner's behavior that doesn't seem to change, or when feeling emotionally numb, like living with a roommate or a stranger.
Attachment Styles - How templates of Self and Other influence harmony or conflict...
Primary attachment styles include...
- Secure - "I'm safe with Self. I'm safe with others. I feel supported."
- Anxious, lives in 'not enough' mode, feelings of abandonment easily triggered, limited internal support, avoids Self
- Avoidant, lives in 'too much', easily triggered by feelings of invasion or losing self, limited external support, avoids Other
(4th type, 'fearful/disorganized' style can be viewed as alternating between anxious/avoidant and is more associated with dissociation.)
Relationship patterns based on individual attachment styles...
when anxious meets anxious: enmeshed relationship
when avoidant meets avoidant: distanced relationship
when secure meets secure: balanced relationship
when anxious meets avoidant: chasing and chased
when secure meets anxious or avoidant: moving toward balanced or ending
Secure:
- Okay with Self and Other
- Says, “I'm okay.”
- Validated by Self and Other
- Question relationships only when hurting
- About 50% of general population
- About 61% of therapists
>
Anxious (aka 'Preoccupied' or 'Relationship Addict'):
- Okay with Other, anxious when alone
- Says, “Not enough! I need you!”
- Externally validated and wants more togetherness, connection to Other
- Rose-colored glasses – rarely question relationships, take what is offered
- Familiar with depending on others, can easily fall into victim role
- About 20% of general population
- About 10% of therapists
>
Avoidant (aka 'Dismissive' or 'Relationship Avoider'):
- Okay with Self, anxious with Other
- Says, “Too much! I need space!”
- Self-validated and wants more alone time, connection to Self
- Dark glasses – often questions relationships, seeks ideal relationship
- Familiar with giving up Self, can easily fall into rescuer/caretaker
- About 25% of general population
- About 7% of therapists
>
Mixed or Alternating (aka 'Disorganized' or 'Fearful-Avoidant'):
- Neither Self nor Other is a consistent resource.
- Says, “Too much! Not enough! Come close! Go away!”
- Not validated
- May dive into relationships, then panic and pull out or push away
- About 5% of general population
- About 22% of therapists
>
(General population stats: Levine & Heller. Therapist population: Gunsberg & Hershberg.)
>
References
Gunsberg, L., & Hershberg, S. G. (n.d.). Psychoanalytic theory, research, and clinical practice: Reading Joseph D. Lichtenberg (pp. 240-241).
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep -love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher.
| Anxious (“Relationship Addict”) |
Avoidant (“Relationship Avoider”) |
| Dependent |
Self Sufficient and Counter-Dependent |
| Amplify Emotion |
Diminish/Avoid Emotion |
| Feels Easily Abandoned |
Feels Easily Controlled/Oppressed |
| External Focus, Lacking Internal |
Internal Focus, Lacking External |
| “>You're supposed to help me!” |
“>You're supposed to help yourself!” |
| Draw Attention to Survive |
Avoid Attention to Survive |
| Drawn to stable/calm partner |
Drawn to expressive partner |
| More likely to feel alone and cheat |
More likely to seek something 'better' |
| “>Love Addict” (Dependent) |
“>Sex Addict” (Self-Sufficient) |
| Often Takes the 'Talker' Role |
Often Takes the 'Listener' Role |
| Low Discernment Choosing Partners |
Hyper-Discerning and Ambivalent |
| “>Chaser” “Pursuer” |
“>Chased” “Distancer” |
| “>Not Enough” |
“>Too Much” |
| “>Come Here” |
“>Go Away” |
| “>Our relationship is innately good.” |
“>Our relationship has innate problems.” |
| Requires Other, Limited Trust in Self |
Accustomed to giving up Self for Others |
| Healing Requires Self Focus |
Healing Requires Other Focus |
>
>While these extreme attachment styles trigger one another during the routine status-quo of life, the dependency can switch when outside the norm, especially outside of the home, on vacation, or in company of others.
>References
Diamond, D., Blatt, S. J., & Lichtenberg, J. D. (2007). Attachment & sexuality. New York: Analytic Press.
Karen, R. (1998). Becoming attached: First relationships and how they shape our capacity to love. New York: Oxford University Press.
Kinnison, J. (2014). Type: Dismissive-Avoidant. Retrieved June 20, 2016, from https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep -love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher.
The Therapy Process
It is entirely normal to want more information about the process. When so many of us come with shame built in -- carrying interpersonal beliefs around how we're 'supposed' to present, often expecting failure, 'getting in trouble', abandonment or rejection -- it really makes sense to go slow, address concerns, validate experience, understand we're all coming together as humans with maps that do not reveal a safe path through every situation.
I tend to work through a more mindful approach, which means checking in at each session to see how everyone feels (physically and emotionally, just to get those brain pathways built up and get easier access later) and explore whatever is up in the moment, trusting that the current moment actually has all the information we need, even historical beliefs.
Just because I move more freeform naturally does not mean we're stuck there. Some people prefer a more predictable structure, and some people want identified goals. Part of my role lies in adapting to whatever needs come up for either of you. So we can set specific goals and subgoals. Or not... We can do homework. Or not... At the very least, we want to know that everyone is actually on the same page and heading toward a mutually-desired outcome, even if we're not sure how to get there yet.
And we want each party and each part to feel seen, heard, understood, and honored.
In terms of being asked to go to uncomfortable or threatening places, we know growth lies at the edge of our comfort zone, not below or beyond. The goal is to step gradually, making sure everyone has tools in place and feels ready to go there. Anything that I suspect might feel challenging would be set up as an experiment, meaning there is no way to fail and anything that happens just brings more information.
It is actually necessary to find internal permission at each step. If we are not finding permission to proceed at any point - if anyone feels resistant or less present - there's a good reason for that, and that's a place to slow down, find safety first, and explore.
From a more technical lens, my therapy approach is informed by Gottman, Whitaker, attachment theory, trauma theory, Internal Family Systems, Hakomi Therapy, and Gestalt Therapy. It represents a mindful, body-based, experiential, and trauma-framed process modeled on the expectation that external relationship dynamics reflect the internal -- balancing freedom and connection, honoring cycles of differentiation and integration, moving not into fusion but toward the interdependent partnership of two whole and separate individuals structurally connected to self, other, and community.
For some couples, hesitation/fear can be reduced by agreeing to let each other know ahead of time what you'd like to explore in each therapy session. (Logistically, not always possible...) And it does feel generally safer for everyone when each of you trust your partner will ask permission before sharing something personal about you.
That might be something to explore with one another outside of session - setting up some 'ground rules' or shared expectations around therapy together. If it didn't happen already, it's something we can process in session.
For individuals seeking therapy, please visit
Lifekey Counseling 
For attachment partners seeking therapy, please visit
Lifekey Couples
A couple of articles to further explore each side of attachment, anxious and avoidant...
Owning Your Inner Child: Breaking Free of Anxious Attachment
Avoidant Attachment (Parts 1 and 2)
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